Friday, November 30, 2012
A little tired tonight
Long day, but a wonderful one at that. I am 97 days sober today.It is odd but alcohol sounds disgusting to me right now. I have not been as diligent with my AA meetings lately. Very very busy. It is good though because it doesn't give my time to even think about drinking. Our babies are home now and they are doing AMAZING. Carter is 7 and so smart and so kind.Sawyer is two and is sweet and full of life and energy.They are beautiful. One very hard part, is that Carter is dealing with the aftermath of the shame that was shoved into him while he stayed with my parents.It is amazing that in such a short time they could have brainwashed him so well that he fears everything right now. He actually said to me last night "I think Jehovah is mad at us for calling him God"JW's are encouraged to say that.To only call GOD, Jehovah. That breaks my heart, I will never allow my children to think that God is a mean and cruel.He is a parent and offers unconditional love. Something I thought I had, but I understood very quickly that I could lose that in a second. I am imperfect and will make many mistakes. That's a given, there is no other options. SO unless you are perfect than stop worrying about me and my choices. Have a great night.
in a nutshell
I don't know who's shell, but in one.I am feeling a lot of anxiety and looking for a bit of relief. I have found some, but usually in my life I have several ways I would calm it. Alcohol, friends, talking, performing, laughing. I have most of the coping options left but not a lot. I feel a lot of anger and betrayal for a lot of things but that will get me nowhere. I have been told by several amazing therapists that I am a lost sheep. I have spent my life trying to mask a million different feelings to be acceptable to everyone around me. Oddly I was never really accepted anyway. I gave up finding myself or learning who I was by doing that. That seems to be a waste of about 30 years give or take. I am on that journey now. There are a lot of emotions that go along with that. It is exciting at the same time. In one spectrum I am horrified that I am not who I thought I was. In another spectrum I am free and thrilled that I get to find myself, and who I used to be is an amazing person, but a very unhealthy version. I am healthy now, I have a lot of work to do. There is so much excitement in the feeling that if I have come this far in a short 100 days, so then where can I be in a year, or ten years?In groups or when speaking with someone I talk a million miles an hour. I crack jokes constantly, funny or not. I validate people with my eyes or my words. All the while I am normally crumbling inside with the fact that I am not comfortable. I am trying to bask in my pain now. By doing this I tend to get over it much faster. It is scary and cruel in some ways but so very freeing. It also gives me some sort of control. I sometimes feel like i am crawling out of my skin. For any normal human being that is natural. Human instinct is to make that pain stop. Why would someone want to feel a yucky feeling?Yet at the same life is good and bad and bittersweet.Without that we become stale and boring and who the hell wants that? Tonight at my AA meeting I ran into a friend from rehab. He attends meetings daily and he is sober. Several of the other people in my rehab "club" have gone back "out" and have either had comas, jail or in some cases death. Life was shocking yet calming in some ways that I am there. I decided to change my life and I worked my ass off to do it. I am happy now and so thankful for that.As a Jehovah's Witness I was never completely content like I am now. The chains have been technically broken but they still have their nails in me. I a,hoping that the chains stop grinding their ways into me.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
I want to write a book
The question is, would you read it?I want to write a book composed of interviews from people who have left Jehovah's witnesses. Not a bashing book by any means. That is just not me. But a book that delves into the emotional side of why people are willing to leave everything they know,family and friends for the chance at freedom from chains. Freedom from control of man.Freedom from control of your thoughts and actions. I feel like doing this would help guide the ones who are still scared of leaving, or feel a need to go back because there is a void and they don't know how to fill . My working title is "hidden but in plain sight". If you would read it, please comment.I know I don't have the most amazing writing skills and that I write how I talk. That may be an issue, but with help from an editor I could probably do it. I would interview my own friends, and strangers who would be willing to come out of hiding to express their pain.I know I would have to hide some names to protect people. That is it for now.
Serenity
Pumpkin spice latte. Serenity. A cool breeze. Serenity.Getting my thoughts down for others to read, a little serenity.
I'm clear and clean. In more ways than I can even tell you. There is a crazy world out there that is not only scary, but amazing and beautiful. I started to have no hope in life in general. The way I was living, vodka or not, meant that I should have no reason to live in peace. Fear and fear only. You fear everything, you will truly lead a healthy lifestyle, you will constantly live in a state of doom. When you get there, you are truly where you need to be. You are officially saved.
I am kind of like a kid in a candy store now. Truly able to see what I can accomplish in this big wide world. Anything is at my hand. I can do anything. People have always told me I had something special about me. Whether it was the way I love, or the way I am loved. I have always known there was something there too, Somehow along that road I stopped loving and living. Maybe I got to the peak of what I was capable of in my remote world, or I knew that the peak was coming up so I turned around.Now I look up the mountain though and I see that not only do I have a long way to go, but I have the power to keep going.
I am in Tempe and all the sudden I feel like I could do a million things. Go back to school, become a mentor, become a upstanding citizen. Uh that is highly overated. I could just be me too. Right now I am lost, my identity is lost. It started going as soon as I started being the best me to everyone else, instead of being the best me to me. I guess I was praising the false idols of acceptance. I gave them a lot of praise. Too much for my liking. Life is simple but we like to make it compicated. As soon as it gets complicated we give up.
I'm clear and clean. In more ways than I can even tell you. There is a crazy world out there that is not only scary, but amazing and beautiful. I started to have no hope in life in general. The way I was living, vodka or not, meant that I should have no reason to live in peace. Fear and fear only. You fear everything, you will truly lead a healthy lifestyle, you will constantly live in a state of doom. When you get there, you are truly where you need to be. You are officially saved.
I am kind of like a kid in a candy store now. Truly able to see what I can accomplish in this big wide world. Anything is at my hand. I can do anything. People have always told me I had something special about me. Whether it was the way I love, or the way I am loved. I have always known there was something there too, Somehow along that road I stopped loving and living. Maybe I got to the peak of what I was capable of in my remote world, or I knew that the peak was coming up so I turned around.Now I look up the mountain though and I see that not only do I have a long way to go, but I have the power to keep going.
I am in Tempe and all the sudden I feel like I could do a million things. Go back to school, become a mentor, become a upstanding citizen. Uh that is highly overated. I could just be me too. Right now I am lost, my identity is lost. It started going as soon as I started being the best me to everyone else, instead of being the best me to me. I guess I was praising the false idols of acceptance. I gave them a lot of praise. Too much for my liking. Life is simple but we like to make it compicated. As soon as it gets complicated we give up.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
I have a fear of abandonment...
Day 35
I had a crappy dream. I have them a lot, lately. I have never completely understood the process behind our dreams. I HATE to dream. Good or bad, I have never liked it. They are not real, in any way, shape or form. If it is good then there is a huge chance it won't happen. Bad? A huge chance it will happen, or it already happened I just forgot somehow. Indifferent? A waste of my brain waves that could have spent time actually sleeping. Either way, I don't like dreams if you catch my drift. So last night was another one about my extended family. Another one about not being accepted for breathing the wrong way. A life coach once told me that I had an issue with abandonment that stemmed from my sisters moving at a critical time in my pubescent growth. Leaving me with two alcoholic parents, that soon separated, and got back together, and separated again. And got back together.Again.Writing this I realize this was also an issue. Never a security, most days my mom would threaten divorce or separation to get what she wanted. It worked for her, but left me in fragile place. That is another day though. The abandonment thing right? Well anyway, I can't blame my sisters for leaving, they were young and wanted out. I blamed them for a lot of years though and that led to a pretty turbulent relationship for us. I recognize though now, that I have felt this way my whole life. I always wanted friendships that lasted for life. A family that was like a bunch of Italians sitting around, yelling and laughing. It was also built into me at a young age, that if we were to sin, or make mistakes, we could lose this at any time. When I say "lose", I am using it very loosely.Haha. You are literally cast out. So what did I do? Well I behaved as any human would, I stayed as close to perfection as I could, knowing at any minute it could be ripped away from me. I was shamed into doing what was right. Much like a dog who wants approval from his masters, I continually looked up to see if my path was correct. Problem is, I am not perfect. Or anywhere close to it for that matter.So what happened when I sinned?Well in my home you literally got the book thrown at you. Wait, maybe that is figuratively. I remember sneaking out and going to a haunted house when I was seventeen. It came out months later and I came home to the wrath of hours of lecture and bible reading. My mom read the bible to me and my dad sat quietly, trying to give me glimpses of love so that I would not sink into the couch any further. Every parent searches for some way to keep their child going in the right direction. Everyone is imperfect, so this usually is done in vain. I don't blame them or her for how it happened, it worked. When I was told that my heart was not right and that I had tarnished my relationship with god, I usually stopped doing what I was doing. Or I learned how to hide it better. Problem was, I went to a haunted house. The punishment never matched the crime in my house. An R-rated movie, a swear word, a shirt that was too tight? All forms of a horrid sin. And going to a haunted house meant I destroyed every inch of hope I had for my future and I was worthless.Meanwhile, my friends were drinking, doing drugs, having sex and they got grounded for a day. Does this make it right? No, not at all. But it also puts things into perspective. I think my parents didn't know what to do with me. My sisters were the prime example of the perfect children. They began parenting me from the moment I incubated the womb. They felt this need considering my parents were practicing alcoholics for half of my life and most of theirs. They were never just my sisters, they were always my co-parents. Now if I thought my parents were hard on me, I realize why. There were only urban myths of my sisters misbehaving. To this day I don't even know if there is one thing that is true. My one sister was supposedly grounded at age six for putting a cord around my other sisters neck to play horsey. Now that I think about it, my middle sister never even had an urban myth. As she got older she was never favored by my mom because she spoke out about the fact that she thought my mom was a nut. Didn't go over well. Besides that? Nada. Then came the baby girl. Me. I seemed to think I was pretty good. Talked too much. Acted silly, but behaved. Until I got a little older. I don't know what it was that made me act out more. Was it that I felt trapped, like I had not experienced what others had already done at an earlier age? Was it that I had been taken advantage of by a couple guys and my self-esteem was low? Or was it just the fact that I am human? I guess I will never know. The only thing that I do know, is that there was no way I would do something so heinous that I would be taken away from my friends and family. The pain that would stem from that would surely put me in my grave. Well, it almost did.I felt so much guilt and shame for not meeting the bar that I was required to meet, that I drank or ate to meet that numb quota. Well I usually met it, or bypassed it completely. Healthy? Nope, but it served its purpose. Until it took over completely, and I was no longer in control. Now I face severe consequences daily. I ended up abandoned anyway and choosing to continue my life without the judgement that I have always felt. I have learned that it is not a big bad scary place out there, it is actually much more scary alone in the walls that kept me where I was. A cellmate in my own personal mental prison. Til later.
I had a crappy dream. I have them a lot, lately. I have never completely understood the process behind our dreams. I HATE to dream. Good or bad, I have never liked it. They are not real, in any way, shape or form. If it is good then there is a huge chance it won't happen. Bad? A huge chance it will happen, or it already happened I just forgot somehow. Indifferent? A waste of my brain waves that could have spent time actually sleeping. Either way, I don't like dreams if you catch my drift. So last night was another one about my extended family. Another one about not being accepted for breathing the wrong way. A life coach once told me that I had an issue with abandonment that stemmed from my sisters moving at a critical time in my pubescent growth. Leaving me with two alcoholic parents, that soon separated, and got back together, and separated again. And got back together.Again.Writing this I realize this was also an issue. Never a security, most days my mom would threaten divorce or separation to get what she wanted. It worked for her, but left me in fragile place. That is another day though. The abandonment thing right? Well anyway, I can't blame my sisters for leaving, they were young and wanted out. I blamed them for a lot of years though and that led to a pretty turbulent relationship for us. I recognize though now, that I have felt this way my whole life. I always wanted friendships that lasted for life. A family that was like a bunch of Italians sitting around, yelling and laughing. It was also built into me at a young age, that if we were to sin, or make mistakes, we could lose this at any time. When I say "lose", I am using it very loosely.Haha. You are literally cast out. So what did I do? Well I behaved as any human would, I stayed as close to perfection as I could, knowing at any minute it could be ripped away from me. I was shamed into doing what was right. Much like a dog who wants approval from his masters, I continually looked up to see if my path was correct. Problem is, I am not perfect. Or anywhere close to it for that matter.So what happened when I sinned?Well in my home you literally got the book thrown at you. Wait, maybe that is figuratively. I remember sneaking out and going to a haunted house when I was seventeen. It came out months later and I came home to the wrath of hours of lecture and bible reading. My mom read the bible to me and my dad sat quietly, trying to give me glimpses of love so that I would not sink into the couch any further. Every parent searches for some way to keep their child going in the right direction. Everyone is imperfect, so this usually is done in vain. I don't blame them or her for how it happened, it worked. When I was told that my heart was not right and that I had tarnished my relationship with god, I usually stopped doing what I was doing. Or I learned how to hide it better. Problem was, I went to a haunted house. The punishment never matched the crime in my house. An R-rated movie, a swear word, a shirt that was too tight? All forms of a horrid sin. And going to a haunted house meant I destroyed every inch of hope I had for my future and I was worthless.Meanwhile, my friends were drinking, doing drugs, having sex and they got grounded for a day. Does this make it right? No, not at all. But it also puts things into perspective. I think my parents didn't know what to do with me. My sisters were the prime example of the perfect children. They began parenting me from the moment I incubated the womb. They felt this need considering my parents were practicing alcoholics for half of my life and most of theirs. They were never just my sisters, they were always my co-parents. Now if I thought my parents were hard on me, I realize why. There were only urban myths of my sisters misbehaving. To this day I don't even know if there is one thing that is true. My one sister was supposedly grounded at age six for putting a cord around my other sisters neck to play horsey. Now that I think about it, my middle sister never even had an urban myth. As she got older she was never favored by my mom because she spoke out about the fact that she thought my mom was a nut. Didn't go over well. Besides that? Nada. Then came the baby girl. Me. I seemed to think I was pretty good. Talked too much. Acted silly, but behaved. Until I got a little older. I don't know what it was that made me act out more. Was it that I felt trapped, like I had not experienced what others had already done at an earlier age? Was it that I had been taken advantage of by a couple guys and my self-esteem was low? Or was it just the fact that I am human? I guess I will never know. The only thing that I do know, is that there was no way I would do something so heinous that I would be taken away from my friends and family. The pain that would stem from that would surely put me in my grave. Well, it almost did.I felt so much guilt and shame for not meeting the bar that I was required to meet, that I drank or ate to meet that numb quota. Well I usually met it, or bypassed it completely. Healthy? Nope, but it served its purpose. Until it took over completely, and I was no longer in control. Now I face severe consequences daily. I ended up abandoned anyway and choosing to continue my life without the judgement that I have always felt. I have learned that it is not a big bad scary place out there, it is actually much more scary alone in the walls that kept me where I was. A cellmate in my own personal mental prison. Til later.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Freedom. I finaly feel freedom.
There is a huge feeling that is going through my mind and body right now. Freedom and Life. Together in the same sentence, that is a huge relief. An amazing feeling. I am me, and it's crazy, but I am acceptable to God at just that. He created me with the sole purpose of being the best me I can be. He already knows my faults, my mistakes and most of all my inperfections. Gods plans for me were already set in stone from the second he created me.So he can do with me whatever he pleases.I would rather have him take the wheel than me anyway. I am a pretty bad driver. It is a freedom right now that my every step has already been planned for me. I just have to decide how I deal with the punches.I had an awesome meeting tonight. I can walk into AA and show my absolute worst character flaws and be accepted completely. These people then get to watch me grow and learn and blossom into a beautiful mother, wife and friend. And there is no judgement that is attached at the end. This makes me want to do whats right, because I am not being guilted into doing it. I don't want to have morals just because if I didn't people would look down on me.Or that I would not be acceptable and wouldnt be approved by everyone and anything that crosses my path.I want to have morals so that I am a good person. And also, so that I am able to help another person who feels this intense pain of guilt and shame daily. Tonight the air is breezy, the moon is beautiful and life is good.
Friday, September 21, 2012
30 days
Not in my belly button. Either way its a cool day. I have a wave of emotions flowing through today. It is a crazy roller coaster that I can't seem to get off of. One minute I can breathe, the next minute I have to give up more to get where I need to go. I feel so mod, I am drinking coffee and blogging at a coffee plantation. Eh whatever works right?
We are told God will never give you more than you can handle. It is true because I am still here, but that doesn't mean that I like it. It actually sucks, a lot. At the same time nothing really pays off unless you .work for it. Sometimes I wonder why other people seem to float through life with very little in their way. I wrote before that I wondered when I stopped growing emotionally. I thought we hit eighteen and we were no longer children. I change that stance. We don't ever stop growing. It isn't possible. We may be stunted in our growth, but like a vine, we find a way to eventually slither back up the wall. I am slithering, slowly. I like instant gratification. I eat a piece of candy I want the sugar to give me a little rush. A sip of water, to cool my throat right away. To do a good deed and someone praise me. That isn't happening how I want it to now. I want my babies back. Now. I miss holding them. I can't think about them for long because I go somewhere that I really can't get out of. It is not safe there. At all. Stinkin thinkin right? I know that when I do get them back, the pain is going to be there. More than I can even comprehend. There will be a constant feeling about the time I have missed. Right now I think of it as a horrible horrible feeling. But I also need to remember that maybe it is what will keep me sober. Not enough pain to kill me, but enough to keep me sober. I think that is fair enough for the pain I have caused them. Don't get me wrong, I will not live in the past. Anymore. I will learn from my mistakes and move on. I am and will be stronger for it. My rock bottom is now and it is as bottom as I can get. People have warned that there can always be worse. For me I am fully aware that any further down and I am of no use to anyon . Like I said, I am crawling up that wall because the bottom SUCKS. I truthfully believe in my heart that everything happens for a reason, yeah that is cliche, but it's true. Life is like a graph and over 80 some years of life this will just be a blip. Maybe I could color it in with red so I remember that this blip is my own personal hell. It is 114' outside, so technically it is close to. Well I gotta go. Off to get my first 30 day chip. Always remember, the people that truly care about you and love you are the ones that can meet you at your worst and still love you, and see you at your best and still....love you the same.
Late.
We are told God will never give you more than you can handle. It is true because I am still here, but that doesn't mean that I like it. It actually sucks, a lot. At the same time nothing really pays off unless you .work for it. Sometimes I wonder why other people seem to float through life with very little in their way. I wrote before that I wondered when I stopped growing emotionally. I thought we hit eighteen and we were no longer children. I change that stance. We don't ever stop growing. It isn't possible. We may be stunted in our growth, but like a vine, we find a way to eventually slither back up the wall. I am slithering, slowly. I like instant gratification. I eat a piece of candy I want the sugar to give me a little rush. A sip of water, to cool my throat right away. To do a good deed and someone praise me. That isn't happening how I want it to now. I want my babies back. Now. I miss holding them. I can't think about them for long because I go somewhere that I really can't get out of. It is not safe there. At all. Stinkin thinkin right? I know that when I do get them back, the pain is going to be there. More than I can even comprehend. There will be a constant feeling about the time I have missed. Right now I think of it as a horrible horrible feeling. But I also need to remember that maybe it is what will keep me sober. Not enough pain to kill me, but enough to keep me sober. I think that is fair enough for the pain I have caused them. Don't get me wrong, I will not live in the past. Anymore. I will learn from my mistakes and move on. I am and will be stronger for it. My rock bottom is now and it is as bottom as I can get. People have warned that there can always be worse. For me I am fully aware that any further down and I am of no use to anyon . Like I said, I am crawling up that wall because the bottom SUCKS. I truthfully believe in my heart that everything happens for a reason, yeah that is cliche, but it's true. Life is like a graph and over 80 some years of life this will just be a blip. Maybe I could color it in with red so I remember that this blip is my own personal hell. It is 114' outside, so technically it is close to. Well I gotta go. Off to get my first 30 day chip. Always remember, the people that truly care about you and love you are the ones that can meet you at your worst and still love you, and see you at your best and still....love you the same.
Late.
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