That is feasable. 24 hours. I can do that. I don't know if I can do 5 years, but I can do 24 hours. That is what really matters anyway right? Someone told me,if you need or want a drink, get it after the meeting. For those who don't understand AA, it is with the preminition that attending a meeting will encourage you not to drink. And it has worked , every time. So I tell myself that. If I really want to numb myself to cope with any horrid feelings I may have, I will do it after I attend a meeting. Something crazy happens in those four walls and I leave wishing it had lasted longer and that the next day will start so I can go to another meeting. It was not that way when I first walked in. I thought that people in A.A were in a cult. They chanted things, knew about some BIG BOOK, cried a lot, held hands and worst of all they didn't drink!Crazy freaks. Well I am proud to be a crazy freak now. To me it means that I am healthy and non-judegmental. I know that the second I pick up a drink again then that all goes out the window.
I was born a mother. As a child I played house and held other peoples children all the time. I only played with life like dolls that I could really cuddle with. People would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up and I would say, a mother. I tend to do whatever I put my mind to and the fact that I wanted a family from a very young age played a huge role in the fact that I found my soulmate at 20. I was married and pregnant by the time I was 22. This did not leave a lot of time to party with everyone else in college and "get it out of my system". At the same time I was taught from birth to stay very very close to perfection. Straying away would leave me alone and abandoned. This worked for a long time, or at least I thought it worked. I don't know for a fact if EVERYONE has to "get it out of their system", but it seems to work for some people. I kind of did it backwards.
The biggest problem with this, is that you hurt people that are not ready to be hurt. They are not ready to feel the pain that you plan on placing on them. When you are 20 and you get drunk at a frat party and end up hooking up with some random guy that cleans engines for a living, you aren't hurting anyone. Except him, maybe the guy who bought you three shots the hour before and well, yourself of course. In the end though, no one innocent is harmed. When you dive into a marriage and pro-create, you bring a whole new person into the equation. That is what I have done. My two little boys and my husband have suffered because at twenty-eight I decided that alcohol took precidance over my family. This is where is gets tricky though. It IS a disease. It is an allergy. I finally know why. I would have never done something intentionally to hurt my babies or my husband. It was almost like something took over my brain and MADE me do it. Shoot, yeah exactly, the DEVIL MADE ME DO IT! I wish I had that excuse. Honestly though, alcohol took over. I no longer had the ability to choose whether I would drink or not, it was not within my power. Yeah, I could choose whether or not I bought it or drank it. After it touched my mouth though, I was no longer in control. If I drank tonight, I would not be in control. If I drink five years from now I would not be in control. So the obvious answer is to abstain from alcohol. Something so simple is always so complicated though.
I don't know where I am going with this, but I do know that I have a series of mountains ahead of me. I can't do it drunk. I might as well trudge naked through them because that would be easier. I have to face a lot of nasty things. A DUI. Fighting against my entire family to get back my children. Earning back trust from everyone I have hurt.Possible criminal charges.Rebuilding a foundation which I crumbled with my own two hands.
One thing I know for sure though, the ONLY way I can do it is sober. The only way. And for me, the only way to stay sober is AA. I have tried on my own and I failed miserably. It is a relief because I don't have to do it on my own. I have a group of people that will support me through it all.
Well its time to turn in for the night. Another night that I go to bed without saying goodnight to my little boys. I pray each day passes a little faster so that I can be with them again. No more than sixty days, no less than thirty. I hope I always remember that alcohol had them taken away, and sobriety is what keeps them in my arms.
Pray for me.
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