Day one. Well actually day 17.

Wow.
Life has really changed in 17 days, I am a world away from were I used to be.I am in tune with myself and ready to meet my expectations. I am sober.
Hmmm, my expectations? It's funny, but this is actually the first time I don't feel pressured to be perfect. I can just be me, flaws and all. I don't want to drink when I am Sheridan. When I am the perfect daughter, perfect sister, perfect wife, perfect friend and mother.....well, I wish that vodka leaked from the faucets. Oh yeah, I am also ADD so I may go in different directions. I may type like I speak. I'm sorry....no I'm not...get over it. That was meant in the nicest way possible though.
I have just come from another meeting of alcoholics anonymous. I feel great and that constant feeling of anxiety has been put on the shelf for an hour or two. I don't want to drink though. I actually want to write about the new found peace I have found since walking away from alcohol (or stumbling).
It is funny how listening to the imperfections of other people actually puts you at ease. It makes the little things that seemed impossible to deal with, somewhat possible to bear. I am only at the beginning of my self discovery, but I am already changing in a million different ways. Hiding from who I should or should not be, will never take over my brain again. I hope.
I honestly did not think that there were other options out there. I didn't realize that I didn't have to fit in a little box with a bow on it for people to think I was acceptable. I don't know at what age I stopped growing emotionally. I do know that from a very young age I was told that I am imperfect, but that I am not supposed to make mistakes. That very few things were approved of in that big bad world out there. As a young child, food helped calm my anxiety and fears. My body ended up being prime target for the kids on the playground. So do what any rational human being would do, distract. If you laugh at me for being silly, you won't mock me for being fat.That worked for awhile but I assume that the real pain and feelings were never dealt with. I assume this because I am 30 years old, and fighting a horrible disease. Alcoholism.
I have trouble coming to grips with the fact that I am an alcoholic (look I said it again). Maybe it is the fact that I spent a good 28 years with a very reasonable alcohol intake. What I figured was reasonable at least. It also may be the fact that I am a wife and mother and I don't live under a bridge with a bunch of vagrants. Who knows though, I am young and have time to get there. Funny, funny I know, but I managed to go a lot of places I never thought I would end up when I had a little "truth serum" in my blood.
I suppose writing this blog will be a new way to get my thoughts out. I talk, a lot. Sometimes I don't really say what is on my mind though because there is a fear that it won't be accepted. Look there is that word again, accept. People may think I have low self-esteem, but that is actually very far from the truth. Internally I know that I am a good person, yet most of the feelings that come out are shame based. There is a bar set that I can't and don't want to live up to. What ends up happening though? Dishonesty. That fake facade that nothing is wrong and that everything is sunshine and roses.
As I sit here, I recognize that the facade I have tried to live up to is just that. A facade. One that has ruined relationships, hurt people, landed me in jail and taken my kids away. Vodka was on tap for almost all of those, but it was and is my way of thinking. Even allowing others to read this gives me anxiety because there is the chance that someone could find out that I am not "okay". Oddly enough the group of AA has brought me to a new place though. I feel like the little kid that wants to scream from the rooftop "you can't tell me what to do". This is actually a good thing for me, I don't have to be who you or your neighbor want me to be. I can just be me. Sheridan.