A little tired tonight

Long day, but a wonderful one at that. I am 97 days sober today.It is odd but alcohol sounds disgusting to me right now. I have not been as diligent with my AA meetings lately. Very very busy. It is good though because it doesn't give my time to even think about drinking. Our babies are home now and they are doing AMAZING. Carter is 7 and so smart and so kind.Sawyer is two and is sweet and full of life and energy.They are beautiful. One very hard part, is that Carter is dealing with the aftermath of the shame that was shoved into him while he stayed with my parents.It is amazing that in such a short time they could have brainwashed him so well that he fears everything right now. He actually said to me last night "I think Jehovah is mad at us for calling him God"JW's are encouraged to say that.To only call GOD, Jehovah. That breaks my heart, I will never allow my children to think that God is a mean and cruel.He is a parent and offers unconditional love. Something I thought I had, but I understood very quickly that I could lose that in a second. I am imperfect and will make many mistakes. That's a given, there is no other options. SO unless you are perfect than stop worrying about me and my choices. Have a great night.

in a nutshell

I don't know who's shell, but in one.I am feeling a lot of anxiety and looking for a bit of relief. I have found some, but usually in my life I have several ways I would calm it. Alcohol, friends, talking, performing, laughing. I have most of the coping options left but not a lot. I feel a lot of anger and betrayal for  a lot of things but that will get me nowhere. I have been told by several amazing therapists that I am a lost sheep. I have spent my life trying to mask a million different feelings to be acceptable to everyone around me. Oddly I was never really accepted anyway. I gave up finding myself or learning who I was by doing that. That seems to be a waste of about 30 years give or take. I am on that journey now. There are a lot of emotions that go along with that. It is exciting at the same time. In one spectrum I am horrified that I am not who I thought I was. In another spectrum I am free and thrilled that I get to find myself, and who I used to be is an amazing person, but a very unhealthy version. I am healthy now, I have a lot of work to do. There is so much excitement in the feeling that if I have come this far in a short 100 days, so then where can I be in a year, or ten years?In groups or when speaking with someone I talk a million miles an hour. I crack jokes constantly, funny or not. I validate people with my eyes or my words. All the while I am normally crumbling inside with the fact that I am not comfortable. I am trying to bask in my pain now. By doing this I tend to get over it much faster. It is scary and cruel in some ways but so very freeing. It also gives me some sort of control. I sometimes feel like i am crawling out of my skin. For any normal human being that is natural. Human instinct is to make that pain stop. Why would someone want to feel a yucky feeling?Yet at the same life is good and bad and bittersweet.Without that we become stale and boring and who the hell wants that? Tonight at my AA meeting I ran into a friend from rehab. He attends meetings daily and he is sober. Several of the other people in my rehab "club" have gone back "out" and have either had comas, jail or in some cases death. Life was shocking yet calming in some ways that I am there. I decided to change my life and I worked my ass off to do it. I am happy now and so thankful for that.As a Jehovah's Witness I was never completely content like I am now. The chains have been technically broken but they still have their nails in me. I a,hoping that the chains stop grinding their ways into me.

I want to write a book

The question is, would you read it?I want to write a book composed of interviews from people who have left Jehovah's witnesses. Not a bashing book by any means. That is just not me. But a book that delves into the emotional side of why people are willing to leave everything they know,family and friends for the chance at freedom from chains. Freedom from control of man.Freedom from control of your thoughts and actions. I feel like doing this would help guide the ones who are still scared of leaving, or feel a need to go back because there is a void and they don't know how to fill . My working title is "hidden but in plain sight". If you would read it, please comment.I know I don't have the most amazing writing skills and that I write how I talk. That may be an issue, but with help from an editor I could probably do it. I would interview my own friends, and strangers who would be willing to come out of hiding to express their pain.I know I would have to hide some names to protect people. That is it for now.

Serenity

Pumpkin spice latte. Serenity. A cool breeze. Serenity.Getting my thoughts down for others to read, a little serenity.
I'm clear and clean. In more ways than I can even tell you. There is a crazy  world out there that is not only scary, but amazing and beautiful. I started to have no hope in life in general. The way I was living, vodka or not, meant that I should have no reason to live in peace. Fear and fear only. You fear everything, you will truly lead a healthy lifestyle, you will constantly live in a state of doom. When you get there, you are truly where you need to be. You are officially saved.
I am kind of like a kid in a candy store now. Truly able to see what I can accomplish in this big wide world. Anything is at my hand. I can do anything. People have always told me I had something special about me. Whether it was the way I love, or the way I am loved. I have always known there was something there too, Somehow along that road I stopped loving and living. Maybe I got to the peak of what I was capable of in my remote world, or I knew that the peak was coming up so I turned around.Now I look up the mountain though and I see that not only do I have a long way to go, but I have the power to keep going.
I am in Tempe and all the sudden I feel like I could do a million things. Go back to school, become a mentor, become a upstanding citizen.  Uh that is highly overated. I could just be me too. Right now I am lost, my identity is lost. It started going as soon as I started being the best me to everyone else, instead of being the best me to me. I guess I was praising the false idols of acceptance. I gave them a lot of praise. Too much for my liking. Life is simple but we like to make it compicated. As soon as it gets complicated we give up.