30 days

Not in my belly button. Either way its a cool day. I have a wave of emotions flowing through today.  It is a crazy roller coaster that I can't seem to get off of. One minute I can breathe, the next minute I have to give up more to get where I need to go. I feel so mod, I am drinking coffee and blogging at a coffee plantation. Eh whatever works right?
We are told God will never give you more than you can handle. It is true because I am still here, but that doesn't mean that I like it. It actually sucks, a lot. At the same time nothing really pays off unless you .work for it. Sometimes I wonder why other people seem to float through life with very little in their way. I wrote before that I wondered when I stopped growing emotionally. I thought we hit eighteen and we were no longer children. I change that stance. We don't ever stop growing. It isn't possible. We may be stunted in our growth, but like a vine, we find a way to eventually slither back up the wall. I am slithering, slowly. I like instant gratification. I eat a piece of candy I want the sugar to give me a little rush. A sip of water, to cool my throat right away. To do a good deed and someone  praise me. That isn't happening how I want it to now. I want my babies back. Now. I miss holding them. I can't think about them for long because I go somewhere that I really can't get out of. It is not safe there. At all. Stinkin thinkin right? I know that when I do get them back, the pain is going to be there. More than I can even comprehend. There will be a constant feeling about the time I have missed. Right now I think of it as a horrible horrible feeling. But I also need to remember that maybe it is what will keep me sober. Not enough pain to kill me, but enough to keep me sober. I think that is fair enough for the pain I have caused them. Don't get me wrong, I will not live in the past. Anymore. I will learn from my mistakes and move on. I am and will be stronger for it. My rock bottom is now and it is as bottom as I can get. People have warned that there can always be worse. For me I am fully aware that any further down and I am of no use to anyon . Like I said, I am crawling up that wall because the bottom SUCKS. I truthfully believe in my heart that everything happens for a reason, yeah that is cliche, but it's true. Life is like a graph and over 80 some years of life this will just be a blip. Maybe I could color it in with red so I remember that this blip is my own personal hell. It is 114' outside, so technically it is close to. Well I gotta go. Off to get my first 30 day chip. Always remember, the people that truly care about you and love you are the ones that can meet you at your worst and still love you, and see you at your best and still....love you the same.
Late.